That Darn Cat!

I'm allergic to cats.

Life is hard for people like me, because we see the world differently from people who aren't allergic to cats. Specifically, they view cats as innocent and playful creatures who enjoy yarn and self-grooming. Meanwhile, we view cats as malevolent atrocities with designs on world domination, chanting "Motivational posters and birthday cards first!".

One time, I thought I felt a cat on my leg and I gouged out my own eyes like a Lovecraft character, so I wouldn't have to face the ensuing terror and psychic disintegration.

I later realized it was just a pair of pants.