No Man Is A Llergic

I am allergic to cats.

The other day I celebrated the holidays by going to an island. But as soon as I got off the boat, my nose started running. My eyes turned red, and I was wheezing like Breathey, the eighth and generally less acknowledged dwarf. Then I looked at a signpost and realized why: I was on Catalina Island.

My allergies didn't go away until I swam out to international waters.

I'm Allergic To (redacted)

I'm allergic to cats. That made it really tough growing up, because I lived on a farm, and there were lots of animals. Horses. Pigs. A goat. Cows. Chickens. None of those are cats, so I wasn't allergic to any of those.

But we had a Caterpillar brand tractor, and every time I saw it I'd suffer from a massive stroke.

I'm Allergic. (to cats)

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: The name Napoleon Bonaparte is rife with controversy, and the life of the French emperor and general has been subjected to intense historical scrutiny. One of the more interesting recent revelations (Broadwick, 34) is that Napoleon was not a short man, as is widely thought, but instead a tall cat.

In actuality a British Shorthair whose owner dressed him up in a little French soldier suit because he thought it would be cute, Napoleon used his uncanny resemblance to a human to run away to lycee and then the Ecole Royale Militaire. Decades later, the Bonapartes were startled to find themselves subjected to the rule of the household pet they assumed had been eaten by a puma; however, Broadwick notes that Monsieur Bonaparte rolled with the punches quite well and eventually wheedled a minor dukedom from his old companion.

Now I'm allergic to Neapolitan ice cream.

I'm Allergic to Cats, But I'm Still a Man.

I've had some embarrassing moments thanks to my terrible cat allergies. It's tempting to keep them to myself instead of broadcasting them publicly, but Afraid of Cats and I feel it's our duty to inform the public of these potential dangers.

For example, one time in college I was hooking up with this freaky chick who made a meowing sound right in the middle of intercourse. Now I can't get boners. Like, AT ALL.

I would try Viagra, but it sounds suspiciously like some form of exotic mountain lion, and I just can't take that risk.

I'm Allergic To-a Spicy Meatball

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to chicken cacciatore. But only when it's spoken, as opposed to read. This necessitates viewing a picture of the word "cacciatore" in my mind, as opposed to saying it with my inner monologue, or I become violently ill.

Are you beginning to understand how difficult life is for me and Hates Cats?

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to ThunderCats. Not because it has cats in the title though; that'd be preposterous. It's because I'm allergic to anthropomorphic lions, tigers, jaguars, and panthers.

I'd tell you to wear a ribbon to support people like me, but the only color left is puce.

I'm Allergic To Cat With Knife In Suit, Singing With Cab Calloway Voice

I'm allergic to cats. Recently, we've been getting a lot of email that accuses me and Hates Cats of intentionally setting up scenarios in which either cats or the Transitive Property of Allergies will negatively affect us, just so we have stories to write about. This is a cruel and baseless allegation. Cat allergies are a terrible burden, and we just want to inform the world about the suffering of our people, with collected and quiet dignity.

So there I am, minding my own business at the cat shelter, when suddenly my allergies kick in.

I'm Allergic To Love

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: Did you know that Javert from Les Miserables had a cat? She was a Chartreux named Darryl Strawberry, a particularly prescient choice of name. Anyway, at a certain point during the Valjean manhunt, Javert was like, "I don't know, maybe wasting untold French resources during a revolution to chase a minor reformed parole violator is a terrible use of my time," and Darryl Strawberry was like, "No, Masssssster, we musssssst catch him!" and she got him all riled up again, misleading Javert back towards the concatenation of events that led to his suicide. Rumor has is that Darryl Strawberry reacted to Javert's tragic jump into the River Seine by shrugging, ordering "One ssssssaucccccer of milk, and ssssssome of that tuna", then giving herself a bath.

I can't say this enough: cats do NOT care about you.

I Am Allergic If You Please

I am allergic to cats. The only thing worse than one cat is two cats. Are three cats worse than two cats? Don't be an idiot: nothing is worse than one cat.

Except two cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: I have battled Godzilla and Rodan. I've crossed steel with one Conan, three Furies, two Saurons, and nine Terls from Battlefield Earth, standing my ground without a hint of dread. By all accounts, I should be a man who fears nothing.

But when I see this, I intimately know the character of madness. This is the plunge into the abyss that fractures the mind, where Nyarlathotep, the mad faceless god, howls blindly in the darkness to the piping of two amorphous idiot flute-players.

I beg of you, for your own sake, do NOT click below.

You have been warned.

Evilest Cats Ever.

I'm Allergic To Catskg

I stand here before you and declare that I am allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Frank Abagnale, Jr., the happy-go-lucky con artist who committed a lighthearted series of what he labeled "goofs", such as hijacking planes and becoming head doctor of an emergency room, in the movie Catch Me If You Can.

Not because it has "cat" in the title, but because Frank Abagnale Jr. goofed me into thinking he was a cat and then stole my insurance policy.

Aye Am Allergyc to Catf

I'm allergic to cats, which is a real downer.

I was enjoying a trip to the renaissance festival, as I so often do (they dress funny and eat without utensils! Delightful!), when my mirth was turned into terror.

As I walked a little too close to a demonstration of a real working catapult, not only did I start wheezing, but I also got punctured in the lung by a wayward jouster.

Afternoon: ruined!

I'm Allergic To Cash

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: While there is a great deal of hostility directed towards former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, few are aware that when he led the invasion of Iraq, he was actually following orders from a higher power: his pet contemporary Balinese, Aggie. Aggie is also infamous in intelligence circles for having masterminded the Iran-Contra scandal and the Tainted Dog Food epidemic of 2007.

Now I'm allergic to 8-bit Contra and tainted dog food.

I Got The Blues...The Allergic To Cats Blues, That Is!?

I'm allergic to cats.

Being allergic to cats is difficult. I like the show The Wire on HBO. But HBO also has a show called Cathouse, so now I'm allergic to HBO and can't watch The Wire through the Transitive Property of Allergies, a unique word-based type of allergy that only seems to afflict me and Hates Cats.

What sort of monster would make a house out of cats instead of wood, stucco, and nails anyway?

Answer: Sir Alexander Fleming.

I'm Allergic To The Cast Of Friends

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Tic-Tacs, because I'm dyslexic. Sadly, I caught dyslexia from a cat because I'm allergic.

His name was Xefil.

I'm Allergic to Cat-san

Unfortunately, my cat allergies can fire up anytime, anywhere.

On a recent vacation to Tokyo, Japan, I realized there were Hello Kitty pictures at every turn. On buses. Billboards. Clothing. Pasted over food items, fashion accessories, special edition electronics, collectible toys -- Kitty-Chan (as they call her) is everywhere!

So I did the only honorable thing and committed seppuku right there in the street before my allergies went out of control. It really bummed out my travel companions!

Does that mean the Japanese are immune to cat allergies? Otherwise wouldn't there be entrails, like, all over the place?

I Am Allergic To Casbahs

I am allergic to cats. I'm so allergic that when I order hamburgers, I request that they hold the C-A-T-S-U-P. Then I ask if I can borrow a bottle of K-E-T-C-H-U-P, with which I liberally douse my burger.

Coincidentally, this is a great way to get yourself stabbed in the neck by an angry short order cook.

I'm Allergic To Drats

I'm allergic to cats. I'm allergic to cats.

I'm so allergic to cats, that one time I flew over Kathmandu, the largest urban area of Nepal, and my knees shattered for no reason. Now the kids...they call me Mr. Glass!

Twist ending!

Mailbag 4: The Dream Master

Mail call! This time, we have a very special mailbag, mainly due to the fact that it's based on actual mail. Gino asks, "I am not remotely allergic to cats, but I am allergic to penicillin. Does that mean I am allergic to cats? And if so, please help me."

I am allergic to cats.

Now the first statement you make is that you are not remotely allergic to cats. Then you wonder if you're allergic to cats because you're allergic to penicillin. One of these seems highly improbable; I'm sorry to inform you that you are allergic to cats. Delivering this news to you is a terrible burden. Now you have to be careful and avoid cats, like me (I'm allergic).

I'm so allergic to cats that one time I was reading Joseph Heller's Catch-22 and my hands spontaneously set on fire.

I couldn't think of a Catch-22 involving my hands being on fire.

I Am Allergic To My Cats

I'm allergic to cats. What do you mean, you already know?

Anyway, I'm starting to think that penicillin might be a type of cat, because I'm allergic to that, too. How terrifying is the idea that Sir Alexander Fleming was able to grow cats in a dish?

Truly that was a devil among men.

I'm Allergic To The Worst Lunch Of My Life

I'm allergic to cats. Apparently, I'm also allergic to Tofurkey. I had a Tofurkey sandwich today as part of a balanced lunch, and my eyes got watery and I started sneezing and it tasted terrible and I forgot how to use the word "was".

Methinks Tofurkey is just processed catloaf.

I Am Allergic To Cats

Oh man...cats! "Allergies cannot exist without cats, just as cats cannot exist without allergies," is a truism I think we can all get behind.

After all, the Founders never proposed an allergy test to hold public office.

I'm Allergic to Cat Fun-Facts

I'm really allergic to cats, which has lead me to pursue as much knowledge of my enemy as possible.

Did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshiped cats, and mummified them when they died? Frankly, I would have preferred to mummify them right away, to prevent my sinuses from flowing like the Nile river.

In 1888, an Egyptian farmer accidentally uncovered a large tomb outside the town of Beni Hasan, which contained around eighty thousand cat mummies dating back to 1000-2000 BCE. That hero to cat allergy sufferers like us did what any sane person would do, and set them all on fire.

Also, one time I watched The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, and I set my sister on fire. Now it ALL MAKES SENSE!

Cats

I'm allergic to cats. Symptoms include: runny nose, sneezing, acute paranoia, coughing, bleeding teeth, hacking, severed limbs, sore throat, death by vehicle, and watery eyes.

Evil Cats Throughout History: The Cat 'O Nine Tails used for corporal punishment in the British Royal Navy was not a clever nickname, but was instead based on Mr. Whiskers, a genetically mutated tabby born with nine tails in Sumeria during the Lagash Dynasty. When particularly angry, the priest-king Lugal-Zage-Si would just pick Mr. Whiskers up and start whipping slaves with him; the foul cat loved it, and his contented purr could be heard all the way to Larsa.

Bad Kitty!

I'm Allergic...TO CATS OF ALL THINGS!

On a scale from 1 to 10, I am allergic to cats.

When I was a kid, I suffered from a lot of anxiety. I thought that every night, after my parents would tuck me in, an armada of baby kittens were going to come out and lick me to death (I'm allergic). I know, it seems rational if not probable, but it never actually happened.

I didn't sleep until I was 14.

Chugga Chugga...Enter Cat!

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Metallica. If I had to guess, it's probably because "James Hetfield" sounds suspiciously like "Garfield."

I mean, vocally.

I Am Allergic To Cats

I'm a jerk to cats. I'm also allergic to cats.

A lot of people know that Henry David Thoreau conducted a 2 year, 2 month, and 2 day experiment in simple living and published a book about it called Walden. The obvious question is, "Why didn't he sack up an stay an extra two weeks, to carry out the 'two' theme?"

The answer is that he left early because he thought he heard a cat sneaking up on the cabin.

Fraidy Cat

I'm allergic to cats. Don't laugh, it's not funny. Aren't you aware that the fatality rate for cat-allergiers is 100%?

Oh wait, that is funny!

I'm Too Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. Some have suggested that this would make cat avoidance a good strategy and high priority, but I think cats should adjust to me.

One time I saw Paula Abdul in person, and she was with MC Skat Kat, beboppin' a duet about opposites. Oddly enough, I felt not a trace of allergies, maybe because cartoonishly illustrated cat fur does not make me allergic. Or so I thought, until two weeks later, when a giant earthquake struck San Francisco.

That's right: the year was 1906.

That Darn Cat!

I'm allergic to cats.

Life is hard for people like me, because we see the world differently from people who aren't allergic to cats. Specifically, they view cats as innocent and playful creatures who enjoy yarn and self-grooming. Meanwhile, we view cats as malevolent atrocities with designs on world domination, chanting "Motivational posters and birthday cards first!".

One time, I thought I felt a cat on my leg and I gouged out my own eyes like a Lovecraft character, so I wouldn't have to face the ensuing terror and psychic disintegration.

I later realized it was just a pair of pants.

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm soooo allergic to cats. One time, I was over at my friend's house and his parents' cat came in. I got real scared and waited for the onslaught of familiar symptoms, but nothing really happened.

Unless, of course, you consider my arm detaching from my body and plopping on the floor "something".

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. It doesn't even need to be cats. It can be cat-like complexes and proteins. One time I was getting a cat allergy shot to reduce my cat allergies, and I went into anaphylactic shock.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I too real for you?

Cat For Dracula

I'm allergic to cats. It's one of my favorite hobbies!

Evil Cats Throughout History: Probably the worst cat in the presently known Smurf-verse would be Azrael. During my younger and more vulnerable years, I wondered why someone who was evil like Gargamel would have a pet cat, because it seemed like a lot of responsibility, and I couldn't really picture him getting stoked over, like, petting a cat.

Now I think that Azrael was probably the one who corrupted an otherwise decent Gargamel.

Mailbag 3: Season of the Witch

I'm allergic to cats, but not to sacks of fake mail.

Question 3: I'm allergic to cats, but not conceptual humor involving cats. What gives?
Answer 3: Maybe you're just not trying hard enough. Let allergy into your heart.

One time I went to an old lady's house and she had lots of crazy cat merch. Cat posters, cat coffee mugs, cat-5 wiring...but no cats. I asked her what her damage was and her eyes darted to the side and she whispered, "Not here!"

And that's how I learned that cats can commit elderly abuse.

One More Time, Allegro

I'm allergic to cats, but a rather common misconception is that I'm afraid of cats. I'm actually afraid of cats.gov.

The .gov is because only the government could possibly create a level of fear as intense as my fear of cats.

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to the cartoon strip Cathy, by Cathy Gustwise. Not because it has the word "Cat" in the title and author's name, but because it's really not funny.

How many swimsuits can one woman try on?

I'm Allergic To Cats?

I'm allergic to cats.

First off, the reader support is amazing on this blog. The comments never seem to stop. One thing a lot of you are pointing out is http://www.allerca.com/, where you can buy hypoallergenic cats. Many of you view this as pro-gress.

Well, going to the page, the first thing that I see is a cat standing up. Great. We have brought Napoleon from Animal Farm to life. "Four legs good, two legs BETTER!" Did any of you stop to consider that a walking cat can obtain a DRIVER'S LICENSE!?

Every hypoallergenic cat brings Stalin back to life.

I'm Allergic to Cats, Not Hard-Hats

People doubt how allergic to cats I really am, but I keep telling them how bad it is.

One summer I was working construction, and over lunch (taken sitting in a row along a high-up girder, of course) the guys started cat-calling at a sexy young woman walking by below.

I sneezed so hard three men fell to their deaths, their dreams of a comfortable middle class life dashed on the sidewalk like so much cat vomit.

Cat 5: The Face Of Deth

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: Composer Antonio Salieri had a cat, whom he named Felix; the first Felix in cat history! Ironically, even his cat's name would become archetypal, while the compositions Salieri adored have disappeared from the Billboard Charts.

You're no Kelly Clarkson, Salieri!

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. I also hate crimes against humanity. Here are some selections from that Venn Diagram's intersection:

1) A cat named "Mittens" invented slam poetry in November 1984.
2) The Baha Men's second, and ultimately less-successful single was, "Who Let The Cats Out?"
3) Scooter Libby's cat was actually responsible for the Valerie Plame leak.

In conclusion, one time I was watching "Two And A Half Men" and I thought I heard a cat outside. Two weeks later, I was fired for...get this...embezzlement!

Coincidence?

Mailbag 2: The Quickening

Based on your violent demands for more mailbag materials, I have to inform you that I, in fact, am allergic to cats. Letter opener, please!

(Slicing sound)

Question 2: How do I know if I'm allergic to cats?
Answer 2: DON'T BOTHER, YOU'RE DOOOOOOOMED!!!

In conclusion, one time I woke up in bed and thought I felt a cat's paws climbing around on my face. Luckily, it was just a possum that had snuck in.

Relief!

I'm Tired Of Being Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats.

I'm so allergic to cats, that one time, I overheard the Mormon Tabernacle Choir chanting the words from the "Cat In The Hat".

Despite their angelic voices, all I could do was vomit blood.

Sorry Dad, I'm Allergic to Cats

I love the holidays, where you get together with family and celebrate a season of joy and giving.

It's always bittersweet though since as a young allergy sufferer, I heard the remake of the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by one-hit-wonders Ugly Kid Joe (**1**), and shot my father in the chest.

Christmas morning just isn't the same without him around.



[**1**]
No, their half-assed second single "I Hate Everything About You" doesn't count.

Maybe if it had been called "I Hate Everything About Cats", their careers would have endured to this day?

I'm Allergic To Cats

So, I've never told this to anyone before, but I'm allergic to cats. How allergic am I, you don't ask? Herein, my response.

One time, I had caught John Doe and he took me and Morgan Freeman to a field. He had a package delivered. Chutzpah! "Don't open the box," Morgan cried. "John Doe has the upper hand!"

Anyway, boys will be boys and imagine my consternation when I opened the package and a tiny black kitten hopped out. He began playing with a little ball of yarn. I looked at John Doe and a little smile crinkled up on his face. My own lips broke out into a grin. "Maybe I was wrong," I said. "Maybe you're not so bad."

Then a picture of the cat fully grown flashed in my mind and I shot John Doe in the head.

I'm Super Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. You know, we spend a lot of time on this blog covering a wide range of topics. From cats to allergies (cat-based). But something that has been getting short-changed on time is my allergies to cats.

Fact: Did you know that allergies to cats can cause death, and even sneezing?
Opinion: Cats are evil because they run fast.

I'm Allergic To Casts

I'm allergic to cats. One fact about cats that is interesting is that they are unable to taste sweetness, due to a genetic anomaly. Another is that T.S. Eliot did not die of emphysema, as is widely thought, but was actually murdered in his sleep by Skimbleshanks.

The Railway Cat.

Stop Or My Mom Will Cat!

I'm allergic to cats.

Growing up, all I wanted to be was a surgeon. I went to a prestigious college, worked hard in the pre-med program, and earned excellent grades and work experience. I would've been a great doctor.

Unfortunately, I was allergic to the MCATs, because that's just a cat with an extra mmmm in front.

Now I'm the assistant to the guy who makes chili at Wendy's.

Megiddo: The Cat Code 2

So...I'm allergic to cats. Please send donations via PayPal.

I've recently been undergoing therapy to try to reduce my cat allergies. My psychiatrist recommended that I list my fears, in order to face them. Probe my depths.

8. Cats.
7. Cat.
6. Cat with knife.
5. Cat in suit.
4. Cat with knife in suit, singing with Cab Calloway voice.
3. Cat riding shark.
2. Cat with smaller cat inside first cat.
1. Cat(s).


Now I'm afraid of the same amount of fears, and a list!

Mailbag!

Many of you loyal readers have started submitting questions about your own allergies to cats. I'm no medical doctor, but I know cats, and therefore feel qualified to dispense objective and legitimate advice about these foul abominations.

Question 1: How can I get rid of my cat allergies?
Answer 1: YOU ARE DOOMED!!!

That's all the time we have for mailbag today. In closing, I'd like to advise people not to mentally picture the sound of a cat in their heads. One time I did so, and the meowing of the cat quickly turned into the gurgle of blood flowing out of my ears.

I'm Allergic to Cats (and Lonely)

I'm so allergic to cats that it has forced me into hiding.

I had a promising career as a writer. I captured the zeitgeist of a new generation. But after the release and ensuing success of The Catcher in the Rye, every copy sold meant that much more blocking in my nasal passages, until I couldn't speak worth a damn. I could barely even breathe. So here I am, universally beloved but driven into isolation by those damn cats.

Please, no interviews.

Catfighter 3: Fight To The Death

I'm allergic to cats. On a separate note, one time I went to my friend's house and he had a new cat. My allergies went into overdrive; I was hacking, sneezing, and feeling a deflated sense of self-worth. Then my friend told me that the cat was hypo-allergenic. Everybody was staring at me, and that's when I realized something.

You never see a boy cat; they're all girls. That strikes me as HIGHLY suspicious!

Subject: Cats, Allergic To

I'm allergic to cats. The first step was to admit that I was powerless in the face of cats, then accept that cats were higher than me. The next step was to apologize to cats.

None of this cured my allergies to cats, but I haven't had a drink in months.

I'm Allergic To Cats

Don't get me started on cats. I don't trust them, because I'm allergic to them. Fine, I'll start.

One time, late at night, I was walking through an abandoned parking complex. Suddenly, an adult human mugger stuck a gun into my back, but at the same time, I had a mental picture of a cat in my head. The next thing I knew, my wallet was gone.

I'll bet the cat from inside my head is still living off my credit cards.

I Was Allergic to Cat

I'd say I'm pretty allergic to cats. In the sixties and seventies, I couldn't listen to Cat Stevens without getting all itchy.

But then at the height of his fame, he converted to Islam and adopted the name Yusuf Islam, making it much easier for me to enjoy his pleasant folk songs about everyday situations and problems without the help of Claritin.

Cats and Allergies: A Fable

I'm allergic to cats. One time, a thirsty duck wandering through the desert saw a glass of water, but it could not reach the water, for its beak was too big for the glass. The clever duck waddled over to a pile of rocks, in order to fill the glass to the level where it could reach the water; unfortunately, some stupid cat came out of nowhere and batted the glass over, pointlessly spilling the water onto the sand.

You can still see that duck's bones in the Great Basin Desert.

I'm Also Allergic to Cats

I'm allergic to cats too.

One time, I started a blog about how allergic to cats I am, and now I get rashes on my palms whenever I visit blogger.com.

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm soooo allergic to cats. John Ashcroft thinks calico cats are a sign of the devil. Being less charitable, I believe the devil is a sign of calico cats. Now I'm allergic to the devil.

I suppose that's why Sartre said, "Hell is no Benadryl."

I'm Allergic To Cats

Of my many allergies, cats is the most-like. I'm so allergic to cats, that Kathy Bates used to make my eyes water. Then someone clarified her name was spelled with a "k" and I healed instantly.

But I never forgot.

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm really allergic to cats. One time, someone observed that my dog looks like a cat. I laughed at the time. Now I'm allergic to my dog.

What I wouldn't give to take that laugh back.

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. One time, I saw a billboard for the Catwoman movie and I sneezed!

Then I flipped my car over an embankment.