Brother In Suffering

This caught my eye today.

Check out the last line. He is one of us.

Death Cat For Cutie

I'm allergic to cats. And plays on words involving cats.

On a separate note, my allergies flared up like those of a man allergic to cats, humbled in the face of cathood. The circumstances, you ask?

Well, I hadn't posted on this blog lately, because I hadn't been at work. Normally, I enjoy not being at the office, but this time, it was different. My sinuses had swelled up so much that my cheeks looked like they had been pumping iron. Tears splashed down them from my limpid eyeballs, like one of those lousy slides at Raging Waters (or Wild Rivers, if you can't afford the finer things).

I was allergic, that much was certain. But what was wrong? I called Hates Cats and he was experiencing the same symptoms. Then we pieced it together.

We had taken a vaCATion.

Now we're allergic to not blogging.

No Man Is A Llergic

I am allergic to cats.

The other day I celebrated the holidays by going to an island. But as soon as I got off the boat, my nose started running. My eyes turned red, and I was wheezing like Breathey, the eighth and generally less acknowledged dwarf. Then I looked at a signpost and realized why: I was on Catalina Island.

My allergies didn't go away until I swam out to international waters.

I'm Allergic To (redacted)

I'm allergic to cats. That made it really tough growing up, because I lived on a farm, and there were lots of animals. Horses. Pigs. A goat. Cows. Chickens. None of those are cats, so I wasn't allergic to any of those.

But we had a Caterpillar brand tractor, and every time I saw it I'd suffer from a massive stroke.

I'm Allergic. (to cats)

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: The name Napoleon Bonaparte is rife with controversy, and the life of the French emperor and general has been subjected to intense historical scrutiny. One of the more interesting recent revelations (Broadwick, 34) is that Napoleon was not a short man, as is widely thought, but instead a tall cat.

In actuality a British Shorthair whose owner dressed him up in a little French soldier suit because he thought it would be cute, Napoleon used his uncanny resemblance to a human to run away to lycee and then the Ecole Royale Militaire. Decades later, the Bonapartes were startled to find themselves subjected to the rule of the household pet they assumed had been eaten by a puma; however, Broadwick notes that Monsieur Bonaparte rolled with the punches quite well and eventually wheedled a minor dukedom from his old companion.

Now I'm allergic to Neapolitan ice cream.

I'm Allergic to Cats, But I'm Still a Man.

I've had some embarrassing moments thanks to my terrible cat allergies. It's tempting to keep them to myself instead of broadcasting them publicly, but Afraid of Cats and I feel it's our duty to inform the public of these potential dangers.

For example, one time in college I was hooking up with this freaky chick who made a meowing sound right in the middle of intercourse. Now I can't get boners. Like, AT ALL.

I would try Viagra, but it sounds suspiciously like some form of exotic mountain lion, and I just can't take that risk.

I'm Allergic To-a Spicy Meatball

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to chicken cacciatore. But only when it's spoken, as opposed to read. This necessitates viewing a picture of the word "cacciatore" in my mind, as opposed to saying it with my inner monologue, or I become violently ill.

Are you beginning to understand how difficult life is for me and Hates Cats?

I'm Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to ThunderCats. Not because it has cats in the title though; that'd be preposterous. It's because I'm allergic to anthropomorphic lions, tigers, jaguars, and panthers.

I'd tell you to wear a ribbon to support people like me, but the only color left is puce.

I'm Allergic To Cat With Knife In Suit, Singing With Cab Calloway Voice

I'm allergic to cats. Recently, we've been getting a lot of email that accuses me and Hates Cats of intentionally setting up scenarios in which either cats or the Transitive Property of Allergies will negatively affect us, just so we have stories to write about. This is a cruel and baseless allegation. Cat allergies are a terrible burden, and we just want to inform the world about the suffering of our people, with collected and quiet dignity.

So there I am, minding my own business at the cat shelter, when suddenly my allergies kick in.

I'm Allergic To Love

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: Did you know that Javert from Les Miserables had a cat? She was a Chartreux named Darryl Strawberry, a particularly prescient choice of name. Anyway, at a certain point during the Valjean manhunt, Javert was like, "I don't know, maybe wasting untold French resources during a revolution to chase a minor reformed parole violator is a terrible use of my time," and Darryl Strawberry was like, "No, Masssssster, we musssssst catch him!" and she got him all riled up again, misleading Javert back towards the concatenation of events that led to his suicide. Rumor has is that Darryl Strawberry reacted to Javert's tragic jump into the River Seine by shrugging, ordering "One ssssssaucccccer of milk, and ssssssome of that tuna", then giving herself a bath.

I can't say this enough: cats do NOT care about you.

I Am Allergic If You Please

I am allergic to cats. The only thing worse than one cat is two cats. Are three cats worse than two cats? Don't be an idiot: nothing is worse than one cat.

Except two cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: I have battled Godzilla and Rodan. I've crossed steel with one Conan, three Furies, two Saurons, and nine Terls from Battlefield Earth, standing my ground without a hint of dread. By all accounts, I should be a man who fears nothing.

But when I see this, I intimately know the character of madness. This is the plunge into the abyss that fractures the mind, where Nyarlathotep, the mad faceless god, howls blindly in the darkness to the piping of two amorphous idiot flute-players.

I beg of you, for your own sake, do NOT click below.

You have been warned.

Evilest Cats Ever.

I'm Allergic To Catskg

I stand here before you and declare that I am allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Frank Abagnale, Jr., the happy-go-lucky con artist who committed a lighthearted series of what he labeled "goofs", such as hijacking planes and becoming head doctor of an emergency room, in the movie Catch Me If You Can.

Not because it has "cat" in the title, but because Frank Abagnale Jr. goofed me into thinking he was a cat and then stole my insurance policy.

Aye Am Allergyc to Catf

I'm allergic to cats, which is a real downer.

I was enjoying a trip to the renaissance festival, as I so often do (they dress funny and eat without utensils! Delightful!), when my mirth was turned into terror.

As I walked a little too close to a demonstration of a real working catapult, not only did I start wheezing, but I also got punctured in the lung by a wayward jouster.

Afternoon: ruined!

I'm Allergic To Cash

I'm allergic to cats.

Evil Cats Throughout History: While there is a great deal of hostility directed towards former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, few are aware that when he led the invasion of Iraq, he was actually following orders from a higher power: his pet contemporary Balinese, Aggie. Aggie is also infamous in intelligence circles for having masterminded the Iran-Contra scandal and the Tainted Dog Food epidemic of 2007.

Now I'm allergic to 8-bit Contra and tainted dog food.

I Got The Blues...The Allergic To Cats Blues, That Is!?

I'm allergic to cats.

Being allergic to cats is difficult. I like the show The Wire on HBO. But HBO also has a show called Cathouse, so now I'm allergic to HBO and can't watch The Wire through the Transitive Property of Allergies, a unique word-based type of allergy that only seems to afflict me and Hates Cats.

What sort of monster would make a house out of cats instead of wood, stucco, and nails anyway?

Answer: Sir Alexander Fleming.

I'm Allergic To The Cast Of Friends

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Tic-Tacs, because I'm dyslexic. Sadly, I caught dyslexia from a cat because I'm allergic.

His name was Xefil.

I'm Allergic to Cat-san

Unfortunately, my cat allergies can fire up anytime, anywhere.

On a recent vacation to Tokyo, Japan, I realized there were Hello Kitty pictures at every turn. On buses. Billboards. Clothing. Pasted over food items, fashion accessories, special edition electronics, collectible toys -- Kitty-Chan (as they call her) is everywhere!

So I did the only honorable thing and committed seppuku right there in the street before my allergies went out of control. It really bummed out my travel companions!

Does that mean the Japanese are immune to cat allergies? Otherwise wouldn't there be entrails, like, all over the place?

I Am Allergic To Casbahs

I am allergic to cats. I'm so allergic that when I order hamburgers, I request that they hold the C-A-T-S-U-P. Then I ask if I can borrow a bottle of K-E-T-C-H-U-P, with which I liberally douse my burger.

Coincidentally, this is a great way to get yourself stabbed in the neck by an angry short order cook.

I'm Allergic To Drats

I'm allergic to cats. I'm allergic to cats.

I'm so allergic to cats, that one time I flew over Kathmandu, the largest urban area of Nepal, and my knees shattered for no reason. Now the kids...they call me Mr. Glass!

Twist ending!

Mailbag 4: The Dream Master

Mail call! This time, we have a very special mailbag, mainly due to the fact that it's based on actual mail. Gino asks, "I am not remotely allergic to cats, but I am allergic to penicillin. Does that mean I am allergic to cats? And if so, please help me."

I am allergic to cats.

Now the first statement you make is that you are not remotely allergic to cats. Then you wonder if you're allergic to cats because you're allergic to penicillin. One of these seems highly improbable; I'm sorry to inform you that you are allergic to cats. Delivering this news to you is a terrible burden. Now you have to be careful and avoid cats, like me (I'm allergic).

I'm so allergic to cats that one time I was reading Joseph Heller's Catch-22 and my hands spontaneously set on fire.

I couldn't think of a Catch-22 involving my hands being on fire.

I Am Allergic To My Cats

I'm allergic to cats. What do you mean, you already know?

Anyway, I'm starting to think that penicillin might be a type of cat, because I'm allergic to that, too. How terrifying is the idea that Sir Alexander Fleming was able to grow cats in a dish?

Truly that was a devil among men.

I'm Allergic To The Worst Lunch Of My Life

I'm allergic to cats. Apparently, I'm also allergic to Tofurkey. I had a Tofurkey sandwich today as part of a balanced lunch, and my eyes got watery and I started sneezing and it tasted terrible and I forgot how to use the word "was".

Methinks Tofurkey is just processed catloaf.

I Am Allergic To Cats

Oh man...cats! "Allergies cannot exist without cats, just as cats cannot exist without allergies," is a truism I think we can all get behind.

After all, the Founders never proposed an allergy test to hold public office.

I'm Allergic to Cat Fun-Facts

I'm really allergic to cats, which has lead me to pursue as much knowledge of my enemy as possible.

Did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshiped cats, and mummified them when they died? Frankly, I would have preferred to mummify them right away, to prevent my sinuses from flowing like the Nile river.

In 1888, an Egyptian farmer accidentally uncovered a large tomb outside the town of Beni Hasan, which contained around eighty thousand cat mummies dating back to 1000-2000 BCE. That hero to cat allergy sufferers like us did what any sane person would do, and set them all on fire.

Also, one time I watched The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, and I set my sister on fire. Now it ALL MAKES SENSE!

Cats

I'm allergic to cats. Symptoms include: runny nose, sneezing, acute paranoia, coughing, bleeding teeth, hacking, severed limbs, sore throat, death by vehicle, and watery eyes.

Evil Cats Throughout History: The Cat 'O Nine Tails used for corporal punishment in the British Royal Navy was not a clever nickname, but was instead based on Mr. Whiskers, a genetically mutated tabby born with nine tails in Sumeria during the Lagash Dynasty. When particularly angry, the priest-king Lugal-Zage-Si would just pick Mr. Whiskers up and start whipping slaves with him; the foul cat loved it, and his contented purr could be heard all the way to Larsa.

Bad Kitty!

I'm Allergic...TO CATS OF ALL THINGS!

On a scale from 1 to 10, I am allergic to cats.

When I was a kid, I suffered from a lot of anxiety. I thought that every night, after my parents would tuck me in, an armada of baby kittens were going to come out and lick me to death (I'm allergic). I know, it seems rational if not probable, but it never actually happened.

I didn't sleep until I was 14.

Chugga Chugga...Enter Cat!

I'm allergic to cats. I'm also allergic to Metallica. If I had to guess, it's probably because "James Hetfield" sounds suspiciously like "Garfield."

I mean, vocally.

I Am Allergic To Cats

I'm a jerk to cats. I'm also allergic to cats.

A lot of people know that Henry David Thoreau conducted a 2 year, 2 month, and 2 day experiment in simple living and published a book about it called Walden. The obvious question is, "Why didn't he sack up an stay an extra two weeks, to carry out the 'two' theme?"

The answer is that he left early because he thought he heard a cat sneaking up on the cabin.

Fraidy Cat

I'm allergic to cats. Don't laugh, it's not funny. Aren't you aware that the fatality rate for cat-allergiers is 100%?

Oh wait, that is funny!

I'm Too Allergic To Cats

I'm allergic to cats. Some have suggested that this would make cat avoidance a good strategy and high priority, but I think cats should adjust to me.

One time I saw Paula Abdul in person, and she was with MC Skat Kat, beboppin' a duet about opposites. Oddly enough, I felt not a trace of allergies, maybe because cartoonishly illustrated cat fur does not make me allergic. Or so I thought, until two weeks later, when a giant earthquake struck San Francisco.

That's right: the year was 1906.